IMHO: Emotion, aggression or just plain talking?

OPINION: Have you ever been told to harden up in a meeting? Or – on the flip side – been accused of being too aggressive?

For many women in leadership and governance roles, this feedback is all too familiar. While their male counterparts are praised for being assertive, direct, and having an ability to debate without being perceived as emotional (even when emotions are present), women often find themselves caught in an impossible balancing act.

Women in leadership roles continue to be criticised for being too much, too little - too brash, too opinionated, too quiet - simply because of their gender. This double standard undermines individual confidence but also impacts decision-making, collaboration, the leadership team and boardroom dynamics.

When so many of us have worked incredibly hard to reach our current positions, often while juggling responsibilities as part of the sandwich generation, managing caregiving for children and elderly parents, and navigating the debilitating symptoms of perimenopause and menopause, we should not have to battle gender bias and outdated perceptions as well. 

The first step toward change is awareness and recognising bias. Studies consistently show that men and women displaying the same behaviours - being direct, assertive or passionate - are perceived differently. While men are often seen as strong leaders, women may be labelled as emotional or abrasive. Recognising these biases allows us to challenge and reframe them.

Think about this: a man who speaks with confidence and authority is seen as a natural leader, while a woman who does the same might be viewed as difficult or unapproachable. 

This is not just anecdotal; research backs it up. A study by Harvard Business Review found that women receive significantly more negative feedback about their communication style than men. Instead of constructive criticism on strategic thinking or business outcomes, women are often advised to be less abrasive, more likeable or asked to soften their tone.

The question is, why should we have to?

One of the most effective ways to navigate these challenges is to own your leadership style with confidence through reframing your communication style. Rather than modifying behaviour to fit into a rigid mould, women in leadership and governance should be encouraged to embrace their authentic voice.

• • Assertiveness vs aggression: Practice direct, confident communication while remaining open to collaboration. Assertiveness is about clarity, not dominance. A well-structured argument, backed by logic and data, is just as valid coming from a woman as it is from a man.
  • Emotional intelligence as a strength: Women often bring strong emotional intelligence to leadership. Instead of suppressing emotion, leverage it for empathetic decision making, conflict resolution and relationship-building. Studies show that leaders with high emotional intelligence create more engaged and effective teams.
  • Setting boundaries: Establishing clear expectations for how you communicate and how you expect to be treated helps create a more respectful and productive boardroom environment. For instance, calling out interruptions or dismissive behaviour in a professional yet firm manner can set a precedent for future discussions.

Advocating for cultural change can make a difference.  

Have you ever been in a meeting and been asked to take notes or minutes, simply because you were the only woman in the room? Or worse still, offered to take notes or minutes because you felt it was your place as the only woman in the room? 

I’ve experienced both in my career. One situation was in my control and the other was not, but neither should have happened. But change doesn’t happen in isolation. Organisations need to be proactive in addressing gender bias through:

• • Bias training: Educating leadership teams and board members on unconscious bias and gendered language can shift perceptions and improve inclusivity. This is not just about ticking boxes - it’s about creating an environment where everyone can contribute meaningfully.
  • Sponsorship, not just mentorship: Women need sponsors - senior leaders or experienced professionals in governance who advocate for them in high-stakes decision-making spaces, not just mentors who offer advice. A strong sponsor can open doors to opportunities that women may otherwise be overlooked for.
  • Diverse leadership models: Encouraging a variety of leadership styles allows different strengths to be recognised and valued, rather than forcing conformity to outdated expectations. Representation matters. Seeing more women in leadership roles helps normalise diverse leadership approaches and inspires future generations.

 Embracing authenticity and celebrating self-expression enables us to own our space in leadership and governance.

Another way of looking at it isn’t about fitting in; it’s about standing out with purpose and confidence. Women in leadership and governance must be encouraged to embrace their unique strengths such as integrity and authenticity and to celebrate them.

• Authenticity fosters trust, stronger teams and boards, and better decision-making.
• Instead of seeking external validation, redefine success on your terms. What impact do you want to make? What kind of leader do you want to be?
• Surround yourself with networks that uplift and support you. Be one of those women who lift and encourage others, supporting them on their journey to finding their own voice and expression. Women who support other women create stronger, more inclusive workplaces for everyone.

 The time for change is now. As a next step, organisations, boards and individuals must challenge outdated perceptions and build an environment where all leaders and board members - regardless of gender - are respected for their contributions.

The shift will not happen overnight, but every conversation, every challenge to the status quo, and every act of support for another woman in leadership and governance brings us closer to real equality.

So, the next time you’re in a meeting and find yourself being judged unfairly, remember this: your leadership, your voice and your presence matter. Stand your ground and keep speaking up because the more we do, the more we change the conversation - not just for ourselves, but for the generations of women leaders to come.

For further reference take a look at the following articles: 
How Gender Bias Corrupts Performance Reviews, and What to Do About It, High-performing women more likely to receive negative feedback at work

Rae Gunn is a Chartered Accountant Fellow, certified organisational coach, and Chartered Member of the IoD with 30 years' experience in the corporate world. She now runs her own businesses, helping individuals to thrive and companies succeed.

There are several: How Gender Bias Corrupts Performance Reviews, and What to Do About It  This was interesting too - from a different angle: Women Get “Nicer” Feedback — and It Holds Them Back and this one from FEDweek: High-performing women more likely to receive negative feedback at work